The Struggle

Have you ever wanted to be in two places at once? Or constantly daydream about fields of green, tall mountains and the ocean waves all within the same view? I do all the time. I dream of a place where there is nothing but zen and beauty.

About a week and a half ago one of my best friends took off for an adventure in Bali. Her goal was to find within herself peace, love for herself and a view of life she’s never had before. Everyday I read her blog posts about her experiences ( physical and emotional ). I can not express my excitement for her and all of the amazing things she will experience there. I am truly inspired by her confidence in just picking up and taking off alone to a foreign country to absorb all of its goodness!

I have always wanted to do something like that. I’ve just never had the confidence, I guess. I hope one day that will change and my confidence will grow!

Right now, as I sit writing this blog, I dream of the ocean side. I dream of the mountains. I have so many of my friends move out west Canada and even more friends making plans to move out there. This is when I wish I could be in two places at once. I love my small town here in Ontario. I love that there are independently owned stores that are popping up and the sense of community here. I love that my parents live 10 minutes away from my house out in the county where we can let our dogs run in the open fields.

My parents.

I am so attached to my parents. I always have and always will be. They are my biggest support team and cheerleading squad. They are always there at the drop of a hat, no matter what.

You see, after my brother died three and a half years ago in a snowmobiling accident I knew that it would be a make or break situation. My parents, like so many couples, had their trials. They were both very strong headed people with A LOT to say. When it was good it was good, but when it was bad it was BAD. As a kid I probably saw a lot of things that I shouldn’t have. In a way, I guess I’m glad I saw it because it taught me how I never wanted to be in a relationship.

So, after my brother died, needless to say, I was worried. How would this affect my family? All I knew is that I needed to be strong, because if I didn’t how would my parents handle it. To this day I find myself holding up that strength, and I’m not sure that it’s a good thing. I hold so many things inside and, just like you’d imagine, when I reach my limit I just break down.

My breakdowns consist of a lot of crying, frustration, confusion, questions, and honestly just feeling stuck inside my own life, which at that point seems like a big flop. In those moments, those intense, crazy moments, all I can think that will calm me down is the ocean, the mountains, the quiet zen place that I don’t know how to find without spending hundreds of dollars each breakdown on a flight to a beautiful place.

Sometimes for a subtle fix I look online at photography blogs who have photos of rainforests and mountains and oceans. Sometimes I listen to soft music. A lot of times I just daydream about things. My mind continuously moves like waves in the ocean, or the ripples when you throw a rock into a pond.

Will it ever stop moving? Likely not, it’s who I am. I’m a dreamer and I know this. I really have come to terms with the idea that I will never not having that “wanderlust” feeling. I used to struggle with it and couldn’t help feeling lost. but now I embrace it. I’ve found ways to calm myself and feel warmth in the things that I do have, though, I will never stop wanting to see the world. I have been lucky enough to see a few places in the world and I’m so eternally grateful for my experiences. I have really learned a lot. I try to take a little piece of love from each place I visit and attach it to my soul – like a little bracelet charm I add each time!

I think we, as people, are meant to see the world and experience the beauty of Earth itself – and if not all of us are meant then I sure as hell am!

Here’s to all of the struggles in the past and adventures in our future!!

Stay Lovely My Friends ❤

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