Updated: Dec 15, 2019
About a week and a half ago one of my best friends took off for an adventure in Bali. Her goal was to find within herself peace, love for herself and a view of life she’s never had before. Everyday I read her blog posts about her experiences ( physical and emotional ). I can not express my excitement for her and all of the amazing things she will experience there. I am truly inspired by her confidence in just picking up and taking off alone to a foreign country to absorb all of its goodness!
I have always wanted to do something like that. I’ve just never had the confidence, I guess. I hope one day that will change and my confidence will grow!
Right now, as I sit writing this blog, I dream of the ocean side. I dream of the mountains. I have so many of my friends move out west Canada and even more friends making plans to move out there. This is when I wish I could be in two places at once. I love my small town here in Ontario. I love that there are independently owned stores that are popping up and the sense of community here. I love that my parents live 10 minutes away from my house out in the county where we can let our dogs run in the open fields.
I am so attached to my parents. I always have and always will be. They are my biggest support team and cheerleading squad. They are always there at the drop of a hat, no matter what.
You see, after my brother died three and a half years ago in a snowmobiling accident I knew that it would be a make or break situation. My parents, like so many couples, had their trials. They were both very strong headed people with A LOT to say. When it was good it was good, but when it was bad it was BAD. As a kid I probably saw a lot of things that I shouldn’t have. In a way, I guess I’m glad I saw it because it taught me how I never wanted to be in a relationship.
So, after my brother died, needless to say, I was worried. How would this affect my family? All I knew is that I needed to be strong, because if I didn’t how would my parents handle it. To this day I find myself holding up that strength, and I’m not sure that it’s a good thing. I hold so many things inside and, just like you’d imagine, when I reach my limit I just break down.
My breakdowns consist of a lot of crying, frustration, confusion, questions, and honestly just feeling stuck inside my own life, which at that point seems like a big flop. In those moments, those intense, crazy moments, all I can think that will calm me down is the ocean, the mountains, the quiet zen place that I don’t know how to find without spending hundreds of dollars each breakdown on a flight to a beautiful place.
Sometimes for a subtle fix I look online at photography blogs who have photos of rainforests and mountains and oceans. Sometimes I listen to soft music. A lot of times I just daydream about things. My mind continuously moves like waves in the ocean, or the ripples when you throw a rock into a pond.
Will it ever stop moving? Likely not, it’s who I am. I’m a dreamer and I know this. I really have come to terms with the idea that I will never not having that “wanderlust” feeling. I used to struggle with it and couldn’t help feeling lost. but now I embrace it. I’ve found ways to calm myself and feel warmth in the things that I do have, though, I will never stop wanting to see the world. I have been lucky enough to see a few places in the world and I’m so eternally grateful for my experiences. I have really learned a lot. I try to take a little piece of love from each place I visit and attach it to my soul – like a little bracelet charm I add each time!
I think we, as people, are meant to see the world and experience the beauty of Earth itself – and if not all of us are meant then I sure as hell am!
Here’s to all of the struggles in the past and adventures in our future!!
Stay Lovely My Friends ❤